Relationship Review: Steps to Safeguard Your Marriage

Diagnosing Problems in Your Marriage

It is amazing how we will spend so much time checking out which jeans to buy or which computer has the best peripherals. But we don’t spend nearly the same amount of time or energy exploring the health of our relationships. We assume that things are fine, until there is a problem.
A good analogy is how we treat our cars. Some people spend hundreds or thousands of dollars fixing up, maintaining, cleaning, washing, polishing, etc. until it shines like a top, and looks better than new.

Then there are those who completely neglect their auto, they forget to change the oil, no tune ups, have no idea what an air filter is or does. It hasn’t been washed or cleaned in months or even years. The car looks much older and more worn out than it should.
So who do you think is going to have problems? Which car is going to run like a top, and which one do you have to worry may not get you through the next stop light? Just like a car needs regular maintenance, your relationship does as well!

Relationship Advice

Time for a Check Up!

How do you do regular maintenance of your relationship? It starts with a game plan. You and your mate can decide to “check-in” once a week, every two weeks, or monthly. Whatever works best for your situationPut it on your calendar, just like any other special event. If you don’t right it down, you may forget it, and forget it for a long time. This is as important as anything you put on your calendar, so DO IT!

Plan to talk at least half and hour, with a 10 minute overtime, if needed. This will allow enough time to cover the important points so the woman are happy, and it’s short enough that the men don’t get frustrated. It’s important time for each of you to really listen and give it your best. No T.V. or radio. Send the kids outside or put them to bed. Don't answer the phone and ignore the doorbell. This is your time as a couple.

Game Plan

To start, do a check in exercise. Let your partner know the positive things you noticed in the relationship. Little things count – remember you are trying to improve your partnership. Studies have shown that there is a 5:1 ratio between positive and negative. That means that you can say 5 positive things to your mate, and then 1 negative will wipe out the 5 positive. Negatives have that much weight!!

Next, move to areas that could be improved. It is important to remain positive if you expect to get anywhere. As and example, you might word suggestions like “I really appreciate how your helping with the dishes; if you could help me with supper some nights, that would really help me out”. You would not get the same result if you said “Your still not helping with the dishes; and I’m tired of being the one who always cooks!”

When your ready, move on to some of the needs you may have. It’s okay to tell your mate about your needs. We all have needs, and want them to be respected, and hopefully met. You do not have the right to demand your needs are met. However, how you ask will go a long way in getting them addressed by your mate. Asking “I” statements are really important. Something like “I would feel better if when I cooked supper, that you said thank you and helped me clean up”. By not demanding, you allow your mate to process this information, and maybe come to a realization that these are important to you. He may not even know.

Finally, if you have had a conflict recently, this may be a good time to talk about it. However, if emotions are still running high about the issue, it may be best to wait until the next check-up time. It is important to deal with it, and not leave it unresolved, as this tends to come back up. Possibly, during the next conflict, making the situation even worse.

Once you have an understanding of each other’s perspectives, you can come to some kind of understanding or compromises. Sometimes, you realize that if you had seen it in the same way as your mate, there would not have been a conflict in the first place. Better communication between you is the goal of this exercise.

Finally, if there is time leftover, you might talk about things you want to watch for until your next check in. It is always good to be aware of things that may catch either of you of guard, and lead to future issues.

If you would like further help in strengthening your partnership, I would ask that you click on the following this link.