Diagnosing Problems in Your Marriage
It is amazing how we will spend so much time checking out which jeans to buy or which computer has the best peripherals. But we don’t spend nearly the same amount of time or energy exploring the health of our relationships. We assume that things are fine, until there is a problem.
A good analogy is how we treat our cars. Some people spend hundreds or thousands of dollars fixing up, maintaining, cleaning, washing, polishing, etc. until it shines like a top, and looks better than new.
Then there are those who completely neglect their auto, they forget to change the oil, no tune ups, have no idea what an air filter is or does. It hasn’t been washed or cleaned in months or even years. The car looks much older and more worn out than it should.
So who do you think is going to have problems? Which car is going to run like a top, and which one do you have to worry may not get you through the next stop light? Just like a car needs regular maintenance, your relationship does as well!
Relationship Advice
Time for a Check Up!
How do you do regular maintenance of your relationship? It starts with a game plan. You and your mate can decide to “check-in” once a week, every two weeks, or monthly. Whatever works best for your situationPut it on your calendar, just like any other special event. If you don’t right it down, you may forget it, and forget it for a long time. This is as important as anything you put on your calendar, so DO IT!
Plan to talk at least half and hour, with a 10 minute overtime, if needed. This will allow enough time to cover the important points so the woman are happy, and it’s short enough that the men don’t get frustrated. It’s important time for each of you to really listen and give it your best. No T.V. or radio. Send the kids outside or put them to bed. Don't answer the phone and ignore the doorbell. This is your time as a couple.
Game Plan
To start, do a check in exercise. Let your partner know the positive things you noticed in the relationship. Little things count – remember you are trying to improve your partnership. Studies have shown that there is a 5:1 ratio between positive and negative. That means that you can say 5 positive things to your mate, and then 1 negative will wipe out the 5 positive. Negatives have that much weight!!
Next, move to areas that could be improved. It is important to remain positive if you expect to get anywhere. As and example, you might word suggestions like “I really appreciate how your helping with the dishes; if you could help me with supper some nights, that would really help me out”. You would not get the same result if you said “Your still not helping with the dishes; and I’m tired of being the one who always cooks!”
When your ready, move on to some of the needs you may have. It’s okay to tell your mate about your needs. We all have needs, and want them to be respected, and hopefully met. You do not have the right to demand your needs are met. However, how you ask will go a long way in getting them addressed by your mate. Asking “I” statements are really important. Something like “I would feel better if when I cooked supper, that you said thank you and helped me clean up”. By not demanding, you allow your mate to process this information, and maybe come to a realization that these are important to you. He may not even know.
Finally, if you have had a conflict recently, this may be a good time to talk about it. However, if emotions are still running high about the issue, it may be best to wait until the next check-up time. It is important to deal with it, and not leave it unresolved, as this tends to come back up. Possibly, during the next conflict, making the situation even worse.
Once you have an understanding of each other’s perspectives, you can come to some kind of understanding or compromises. Sometimes, you realize that if you had seen it in the same way as your mate, there would not have been a conflict in the first place. Better communication between you is the goal of this exercise.
Finally, if there is time leftover, you might talk about things you want to watch for until your next check in. It is always good to be aware of things that may catch either of you of guard, and lead to future issues.
If you would like further help in strengthening your partnership, I would ask that you click on the following this link.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Marriage In Crisis: "I Don't Love You Anymore"!
My Husband has fallen out of Love with me!?
Out of the blue, you hear those painful words, and your world changes instantly. So what has caused this change? Why does their partner now want to leave and distance himself fromthe marriage? How is it possible to be in love one day, and not the next?
Usually when a spouse or partner “falls out of love” there is multiple reasons. Think about some of the trouble spots in your relationship: Is your sex life Ok? How are your finances? Communication between you? The kids? In-laws? You see the point. It’s not just one thing, but can be many things all culminating into the feelings of him not wanting to be together anymore. This has probably been a struggle for him for some time. He has struggled to find a way to bring it up, and finally has found the courage to let it be known to you.
Have you sat down and talked about your issues? Sometimes bringing the issues out and into the open is enough to get the ball moving. It is when we begin to talk and start to understand how are partner is thinking, that real change can be achieved. The issues become more focused, and we are better able to begin to work on things.
Even if the husband doesn't want to work on things. Even if he feels like the relationship is beyond fixing and no chance for reconsiliation is possible? Remember, nothing is impossible! Even if he isn't interested, there is still time to do the work needed to change his mind.
Be confident in yourself and in your relationship to work things through. Be patient, as things will not be fixed overnight. Have faith that by spending the time working on yourself and your relationship, things can turn around. These are important tools in healing a marriage or relationship.
What Husbands Can't Resist
Out of the blue, you hear those painful words, and your world changes instantly. So what has caused this change? Why does their partner now want to leave and distance himself fromthe marriage? How is it possible to be in love one day, and not the next?
Usually when a spouse or partner “falls out of love” there is multiple reasons. Think about some of the trouble spots in your relationship: Is your sex life Ok? How are your finances? Communication between you? The kids? In-laws? You see the point. It’s not just one thing, but can be many things all culminating into the feelings of him not wanting to be together anymore. This has probably been a struggle for him for some time. He has struggled to find a way to bring it up, and finally has found the courage to let it be known to you.
Have you sat down and talked about your issues? Sometimes bringing the issues out and into the open is enough to get the ball moving. It is when we begin to talk and start to understand how are partner is thinking, that real change can be achieved. The issues become more focused, and we are better able to begin to work on things.
Even if the husband doesn't want to work on things. Even if he feels like the relationship is beyond fixing and no chance for reconsiliation is possible? Remember, nothing is impossible! Even if he isn't interested, there is still time to do the work needed to change his mind.
Be confident in yourself and in your relationship to work things through. Be patient, as things will not be fixed overnight. Have faith that by spending the time working on yourself and your relationship, things can turn around. These are important tools in healing a marriage or relationship.
What Husbands Can't Resist
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
The Importance of Sex in a Relationship
A Man has certain physical needs just by the nature of his DNA, and specifically, the hormones that effect him; however, more importantly, on an emotional level, men will tell you that sex is important to them for the same reasons that it is important to a woman. It creates a bond, both emotionally and physically, between two people who care about each other.
If women were able to get inside their man's head, they would be suprised to see that sex is not only a physical act for the sake of pleasure, but a way to form a pure connection with their mate. He will become emotionally dependant upon her. That bond means more to your man than you know. It drives him to do almost anything in his power to make you happy, and maintain that connection. This can empower a woman who is looking to strengthen or repair a relationship. If a woman would take the time to understand the power, pschologically, sex has on her man, she would well on her way to a great relationship.
Women use several thousand more words a day than men do. They are communicators. Women will talk, that is what they do. If an issue arises, women will talk until the issue is resolved. This can take hours or days. Men however tend to bottle up their emotions and keep their feelings inside. They don't like to talk about problems unless they have too. They would much rather brood about it for awhile, and go into their cave, so to speek. This allows them the time to get their head and emotions wrapped around the problem, to come up with a solution. This gives them a feeling of accomplishment, as they can be seen as the problem solver. This also increases the emotional bond between a man and a woman. By allowing the man to feel like he is powerful, both physically and intellectually, a woman provides the feedback a man needs to feel good in relationship.
Women who develop that bond with their husbands will find they have happier more fulfilling marriages than they could have ever dreamed possible. Your husband is less likely to stray and he will become so emotionally connected to you that he will do everything and anything in his power to keep you happy.Rekindle Your Husband's Passion for You
If women were able to get inside their man's head, they would be suprised to see that sex is not only a physical act for the sake of pleasure, but a way to form a pure connection with their mate. He will become emotionally dependant upon her. That bond means more to your man than you know. It drives him to do almost anything in his power to make you happy, and maintain that connection. This can empower a woman who is looking to strengthen or repair a relationship. If a woman would take the time to understand the power, pschologically, sex has on her man, she would well on her way to a great relationship.
Women use several thousand more words a day than men do. They are communicators. Women will talk, that is what they do. If an issue arises, women will talk until the issue is resolved. This can take hours or days. Men however tend to bottle up their emotions and keep their feelings inside. They don't like to talk about problems unless they have too. They would much rather brood about it for awhile, and go into their cave, so to speek. This allows them the time to get their head and emotions wrapped around the problem, to come up with a solution. This gives them a feeling of accomplishment, as they can be seen as the problem solver. This also increases the emotional bond between a man and a woman. By allowing the man to feel like he is powerful, both physically and intellectually, a woman provides the feedback a man needs to feel good in relationship.
Women who develop that bond with their husbands will find they have happier more fulfilling marriages than they could have ever dreamed possible. Your husband is less likely to stray and he will become so emotionally connected to you that he will do everything and anything in his power to keep you happy.Rekindle Your Husband's Passion for You
Fighting is a lose-lose Situation
http://www.squidoo.com/ThePschologyofaMan
When a woman argues with a man, it only makes him dig in and stand his ground. After all, men are innately competitive. It's in their genes, and they are born to compete. That's why, in any argument, he feels he must be the victor. So, even if you have a valid point, arguing with your man may be futile. It will only serve as a wedge that may eventually tear your relationship apart.
The one rule every woman must remember in a conflict with a man is to always be respectful. Be careful of emotionally intense words or tones, as this often causes a man to escalate the conflict. While, ideally, a woman should speak to him calmly and directly in a soft tone during a conflict, the reality is that during such times it can be almost impossible to remain calm when you're upset.
A better rule would be to never compete with a man, even if you have to leave the conversation, room or even the home for a few minutes or hours. While this may seem extreme, it is more effective to remove yourself from a situation that can likely escalate, than it is to remain in that situation which will likely cause emotional damage. There's another reason for this, too, and it may surprise you. The one thing men hate more than anything is to lose face. They will stonewall as a means of saving there self-respect.
Every time a woman creates distance when a man becomes competitive in an argument, she is slowly training him that using his power with her will cause him to be ignored, until he humbles himself. So, the next time the two of you have an issue to discuss, approach him with this in mind. The conversation can continue unless you feel uncomfortable. Even though a man likes time alone, there is a limit to how much alone time they can tolerate. Men enjoy distance when they can control the amount of time apart, but when a woman is unavailable to her husband when he desires her company, then and only then will be begin to realize that he has hurt her.
Stop the cycle of fighting and then having to make up. Find strategies that allow you to come to a conclusion to a problem you will both be happy and excited about. Click Here to learn more ways of building your relationship, instead of breaking it down. Real Conflict Management
When a woman argues with a man, it only makes him dig in and stand his ground. After all, men are innately competitive. It's in their genes, and they are born to compete. That's why, in any argument, he feels he must be the victor. So, even if you have a valid point, arguing with your man may be futile. It will only serve as a wedge that may eventually tear your relationship apart.
The one rule every woman must remember in a conflict with a man is to always be respectful. Be careful of emotionally intense words or tones, as this often causes a man to escalate the conflict. While, ideally, a woman should speak to him calmly and directly in a soft tone during a conflict, the reality is that during such times it can be almost impossible to remain calm when you're upset.
A better rule would be to never compete with a man, even if you have to leave the conversation, room or even the home for a few minutes or hours. While this may seem extreme, it is more effective to remove yourself from a situation that can likely escalate, than it is to remain in that situation which will likely cause emotional damage. There's another reason for this, too, and it may surprise you. The one thing men hate more than anything is to lose face. They will stonewall as a means of saving there self-respect.
Every time a woman creates distance when a man becomes competitive in an argument, she is slowly training him that using his power with her will cause him to be ignored, until he humbles himself. So, the next time the two of you have an issue to discuss, approach him with this in mind. The conversation can continue unless you feel uncomfortable. Even though a man likes time alone, there is a limit to how much alone time they can tolerate. Men enjoy distance when they can control the amount of time apart, but when a woman is unavailable to her husband when he desires her company, then and only then will be begin to realize that he has hurt her.
Stop the cycle of fighting and then having to make up. Find strategies that allow you to come to a conclusion to a problem you will both be happy and excited about. Click Here to learn more ways of building your relationship, instead of breaking it down. Real Conflict Management
Relationship Help For You
To a woman, a man, and specifically his mind can be a complete mystery. Why do the things they do baffle and confuse a woman to no end. It's because men and women think very differently. How do you explain why a completely sane individual will get drunk and play golf for a whole weekend. or spend a beautiful Sunday watching football from morning to night.
Why does it drive a woman crazy that her man would sit and play video games all afternoon rather than spending time with family and friends? Why do women need to "nag" a man to do things around the house, when they seem so obviously needing to be done?
If you find yourself asking these questions, then you will be happy to know that many of the answers to these questions can be found here.
The Balance of Power is Held by the One Who Wants the Relationship the Most!
It is usually the wives -- not the husbands -- who take an active role in improving their marriage. When married couples seek counseling advice, 99% of the time it was the wife's idea. A husband's power in a marriage pales by comparison to the mind-boggling power of his wife!
The woman is the one who constantly monitors the health of the relationship. When things are not going well, the woman will intuitively know, and will make suggestions to improve it. The man will be clueless. This is why men never see "The Bomb" coming until the relationship is so broken, the woman feels no choice but to leave. Understanding that you have the power and the ability to change and therefore elicit the corresponding changes in your spouse should make you feel empowered.
Your husband will not admit to it, but he WANTS you to gain access to his heart, discover his desires, needs and secrets, but he doesn't want to have to tell you to do so. That's because your husband is ill-equipped to tell you what he wants without appearing like an insensitive, selfish, uncaring bastard to you. Neither does he know the psychological reasons why he thinks, speaks or behaves the way he does -- let alone teach you how to behave towards him!
By virtue of simply being your husband's wife -- the woman he chose to marry -- you have at your disposal the power to get inside his head, gain access to his heart and become totally irresistible to him. That's a little-known secret that most wives don't know. Getting your husband to worship the ground you walk on is so much easier than you might imagine. Working on yourself and making changes, will intrigue your mate. It will make him curious as to what is going on with you. Your changes will bring about changes in him, and it will happen both consciously and un-consciously.
How did it get to this point}? It's never because of just one big disagreement, conflict or fight -- it's never just one huge avalanche or storm, but rather the slow, insidious drip-drip-drip of not understanding your husband day after day, and night after night. It's that constant drip (which wives often ignore) that erodes the very foundation of a marriage, just like the continuous drip of a leaky faucet in the dead of night. Pretty soon, without even knowing it, you’re becoming strangers living in the same house. No Love, No Communication, No intimacy, No anything!!!
You have the power to stop this slow deterioration of your relationship. You must be the one to begin the healing, remember, the man is clueless. He has no idea how serious it's become. He doesn’t know why you’re so unhappy with him. Talking becomes “nagging”, so instead begin to work on yourself, and you may be surprised at the results. If you want to learn how, click here
Why does it drive a woman crazy that her man would sit and play video games all afternoon rather than spending time with family and friends? Why do women need to "nag" a man to do things around the house, when they seem so obviously needing to be done?
If you find yourself asking these questions, then you will be happy to know that many of the answers to these questions can be found here.
The Balance of Power is Held by the One Who Wants the Relationship the Most!
It is usually the wives -- not the husbands -- who take an active role in improving their marriage. When married couples seek counseling advice, 99% of the time it was the wife's idea. A husband's power in a marriage pales by comparison to the mind-boggling power of his wife!
The woman is the one who constantly monitors the health of the relationship. When things are not going well, the woman will intuitively know, and will make suggestions to improve it. The man will be clueless. This is why men never see "The Bomb" coming until the relationship is so broken, the woman feels no choice but to leave. Understanding that you have the power and the ability to change and therefore elicit the corresponding changes in your spouse should make you feel empowered.
Your husband will not admit to it, but he WANTS you to gain access to his heart, discover his desires, needs and secrets, but he doesn't want to have to tell you to do so. That's because your husband is ill-equipped to tell you what he wants without appearing like an insensitive, selfish, uncaring bastard to you. Neither does he know the psychological reasons why he thinks, speaks or behaves the way he does -- let alone teach you how to behave towards him!
By virtue of simply being your husband's wife -- the woman he chose to marry -- you have at your disposal the power to get inside his head, gain access to his heart and become totally irresistible to him. That's a little-known secret that most wives don't know. Getting your husband to worship the ground you walk on is so much easier than you might imagine. Working on yourself and making changes, will intrigue your mate. It will make him curious as to what is going on with you. Your changes will bring about changes in him, and it will happen both consciously and un-consciously.
How did it get to this point}? It's never because of just one big disagreement, conflict or fight -- it's never just one huge avalanche or storm, but rather the slow, insidious drip-drip-drip of not understanding your husband day after day, and night after night. It's that constant drip (which wives often ignore) that erodes the very foundation of a marriage, just like the continuous drip of a leaky faucet in the dead of night. Pretty soon, without even knowing it, you’re becoming strangers living in the same house. No Love, No Communication, No intimacy, No anything!!!
You have the power to stop this slow deterioration of your relationship. You must be the one to begin the healing, remember, the man is clueless. He has no idea how serious it's become. He doesn’t know why you’re so unhappy with him. Talking becomes “nagging”, so instead begin to work on yourself, and you may be surprised at the results. If you want to learn how, click here
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